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Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

Why do people leave various pieces of furniture or “stuff” behind when they move?  Is it because the moving truck is full (just leave it!!) or everyone’s too tired to mess with one more aggravating box/awkward piece of furniture or the owner secretly hates (it) and doesn’t even care enough to discard it properly?  For whatever reason, the widow who lived in this house before me left the most amazing, THE ULTIMATE lounging piece of furniture (not even sure what it’s called.. rocking sofa, bed swing, rocking idler, lounger rocker??) you can EVER imagine. Why?  I guess because it’s heavy as crap and would be a nightmare to carry off the back screened-in porch then navigate the stairs with a narrow L-turn.  So this lovely oasis has become my haven of peace, my sumptuous tree house swaying daybed, my sanctuary, my female-heaven hideaway.

See for yourself  (I added the necessary accessories… blankets, stacked cushions, pillows):

When I rest, sleep, lounge, daydream, rest, sleep, lounge (you get the hypnotic cycle) on this perfect rocker, I become part of nature, I blend with the wind, the light, the sounds, the aromas of the earth.  The trees and I are best friends.  This is the view from my swaying perch:

 When it’s raining, pre, post or mid-downpour, I’m in ecstasy.  I’m sure life is never more sweetly intense.  Some nights, when I wake for no reason and my bedroom feels stuffy and tight, I move to my refuge and release, unwind and unravel.  My mind yields and becomes like a sieve; I become the night.  I can hear my horses chewing on their hay and snorting softly in the darkness.  Sleep in this splendid place is unworldly, deep and boundless.  I cease to exist…only the feathery breeze, odors of bark and soil, symphony of birds and frogs, daydreams and blurred mind-wanderings.   

Sometimes I pretend I’m going to read on this narcotic bench.  Impossible!  Within minutes my mind is mush and I start grinning inside uncontrollably.  My eyes haze over, an abysmal mantra begins: nothing to do, nowhere to be, nothing to think about, just be, just be, just be….

It’s addictive.  It’s seductive.  It’s a life affirming, bone-marrow- nutrient necessity.  You too could learn this art of reckless abandon…  Just a porch swing/rocker/piece of furniture and a big dose of lazy!  Happy, lucky-you lounging!

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PART I

I died the other night in my dreams.  I don’t think I’ve actually gone all the way through my death in a dream before.  I’ve come close, I’ve been scared and I’ve believed I was going to die, but this time it was different.  I actually died.  In the dream, I was in some sort of multi-storied building and the upper floors were collapsing on me.  I knew I was going to die as the ceiling above me came crashing down.  As soon as I felt myself being crushed, I was floating, arms extended in the air.  I unhesitantly made a conscious decision to surrender, let go, don’t fight what is happening.  This was okay, this dying thing.  It felt pretty serene.  But then it happened.  I had the sensation that my right breast snagged on something that was piercing deep but at the same time was pulling out, like the inside of my breast was being suctioned out through the stabbing.  It HURT!!  If I could just push away from the painful source, I would no longer be “hitting’ the pointy object that was hurting me.  But for some reason, the pointy source was not obvious to me, invisible yet very clearly THERE.  And in this helpless, painful state I woke up.  Confused.  Unnerved.  But awake and pain-free. 

I’m struggling with this dream.  My spiritual understandings lead me to the idea that I am “letting go” of some of my “survival-based” ideas, beliefs and ways of behaving.  Thus the “me” getting crushed on the lowest floor.  The breast piercing-pulling out is a little more confusing to me.  Since energetically my female nature is more on the left side of my body and my male nature more on the right, the fact that my “heart” pain is located on the male side is interesting.  As my survival, more physical-in-the-world self is dying (the lower floor crushing), am I resisting letting go of male-type heart issues, issues involving the action of love, the giving of love?  Do I not want to let go of the ability to withhold my love when things aren’t to my liking?  Do I not want to take the next obvious step and actually love my life, my work, my journey?  Am I holding onto the  judgment that life is hard and that it’s not fair and you have to protect yourself to survive?  That it’s up to me to look out for numero uno??      

 PART II

My next night’s dream was set in a middle-upper class suburbia neighborhood, early morning.  I’m going from one house to another in the misty predawn fog.  I vaguely see others getting their newspapers, standing outside sipping coffee in their bathrobes.  I see a guy in an older model, rusty brown BMW sedan riding through my yard.  Nothing penetrates my morning brain…. yet.  Then I notice that he’s circling the house with the inner wheels rubbing the foundation of the house, running it with 2 wheels on the brick walls and 2 wheels in my shrubbery.  And he’s going FAST, manic-like, maybe even mad, yes definitely mad, now I’m getting scared.  Now it penetrates.  What is wrong with this picture?  He’s going to run over someone, something, he’s hurting things.  I rush inside to call 911 but as I do the sirens are already outside and I see rescue personnel running with people in their pajamas and bathrobes on stretchers; lots of people, he’s hurt lots of people.  Why didn’t I notice it before?  Why did it take awhile for me to notice something was amiss? 

Thinking about this dream and it’s relation to the dream the night before, it started clicking.  The man driving the car was distinctly pissed off because “LIFE”S NOT FAIR.  IF I CAN’T HAVE IT, THEN NO ONE SHOULD.”   He clearly resented the casual, “we’re all comfy and cozy, sipping our morning coffee, got-life-figured-out, it’s working for us, sorry your life’s not as good but our air breathes pretty nice over here” kind of neighborhood.  Uh-oh… I’m pegged.  There’s that deep wish of PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE.  IT MUST BE TRUE, MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN PLANNED AROUND IT, this is how life works, you work hard, you keep your nose clean, you do the right things, you help other people and don’t think about yourself.  This is HOW IT WORKS and your reward is that you have comfortable life, nice people in your life, everyone stays healthy or is healed miraculously, things flow for you and even better the ones who DON’T do the right things, pay their dues, care about other people… those people shouldn’t HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE BECAUSE THEY DON’T DESERVE IT!!  Of course, we all know wonderful people who’ve had horrendous things happen to them and we’ve known plenty of people who’ve had fortune and miracles who don’t deserve it.  And now, here we go, I’m going to say IT.  WHAT GOD WOULD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?  HOW CAN HE NOT BE FAIR?  DOESN’T HE SEE HOW GOOD I’VE BEEN AND HOW HARD I’VE WORKED?  Here’s the heart piercing pain.  My ANGER at GOD and the raw pain of that perceived betrayal!!  My pulling away from HIM in protection mode.  Yes, I said it.  I know this angry part is not really my wisdom, but there it IS!!  FRONT AND CENTER.  Up until now, it’s worked smoothly, unconsciously, arranging my life so I could work under the premise that you’re definitely going to get hurt, you’ve got to protect yourself, you have to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF because in the end, life’s not fair and God plays favorites.  Ouch…big, ugly, nasty, betrayed-by-God kind of pain. 

 PART III

I’m hoping that since these things are coming out in my dreams, I am healing.  I’m ready to be finished with the childlike idea that the “be good, work hard” attitude wins me special favors and worrying about who hasn’t paid their dues and who doesn’t deserve the life they seem to have.  It’s exhausting keeping score.  It makes me not want to play anymore because the game is obviously flawed and I don’t want to play a game with unfair rules.  Wow!  What will I be like now without this burden of being the scorekeeper?? 

 Hey, I have an idea!  Let’s start a new game?  Anybody want to play?

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